Celebrating my first mothers day, taking a step back to remember the years before him brought back memories of such a struggle. Not many people know for years we tried to have a child without any luck. Living in a sailboat on an ocean filled with so many unknowns, for those years I was convinced I would never have kids. Never would I have the chance to be a mother. So to me this day was not only a day to appreciate the mother’s in our lives but a celebration of released pain I once felt, a triumph. Never giving up hope. I gave my mind, body and soul to try one last time….
We go through life not ever really knowing how much the things we say have an effect on each other. While many harmlessly joked. What are you waiting for? Do you realize you are not getting younger? You are going to miss the train. You should have kids, they would be so cute! But the one that really got me was, ” If you wait any longer you wont be able to have kids! “. Back then, at the age of 35 I began a journey to not even talk about my struggle. For me it was easier not to give it much thought. But it did have an effect on me.
I took that sadness, that pain and used it as fuel. Expelling it into energy filled with love. Energy, I used to make my mind and body healthy. Love, that got me through the hard times. Using this reverse effect I realized that I became stronger not weaker. My mind became clearer. We are not here on this earth to eat, sleep, work and have kids. We are here to make this world a better place. I began to work on me. The world around me. How I think and really focus on what matters in life. Not what others expect of me.
When the realization came that kids might not come naturally for us, we held each other tighter. Never to let go of the love we have for one another. These were the cards that life has dealt us and with all odds against us, we are the underdogs. Whether I have the chance to be a mother to my own bloodline not knowing what my future held, I was going to be a good mother to my furry four legged sidekick. A loving soul nonetheless. Take that for underdogs. He was a dog AND he was family.
To fast forward to present day. Where life is a gift. Each day a special keepsake in our hearts. With many years of struggles behind us. Making our way to each appointment fresh from the boat to the doctors. To probing and becoming experiments on land. So many wonderful memories of a furry companion that taught us so much and prepared us for what was to come. After all these years, we had a positive outcome. Only until now do I understand there are many couples that go through the struggle, we were never alone. I was never alone. Only now do I understand the logistics to having a baby are not important, but the love behind it all is that really matters. At the time on that sailboat where we lived for so long floating on the sea, never had so much clarification. The future is an open ocean. We create our own happiness….
This was my first mothers day, I celebrated as a mother. A beautiful baby boy that has so much character. After years of thinking I would never conceive a child, here he is, and I still cant believe my eyes. His smile brings so much laughter to our lives. A love that is indescribable and immeasurable it is beyond comprehension. When I think back to all the pain, the struggles. My tears… are tears of joy now. Though this is not the case for many, my heart is filled with love for those who have fought the same battle. I am grateful for the journey and the strength I had to keep going. This very stubborn woman who chose not to accept what doctors told me and my husband. We are parents. I am now a mother to an amazing baby boy and he is our blood. I am so thankful for each day I get to spend with him, feed him, love him… and yes even changing diapers!
While this mothers day my husband surprised me and took us on a stay-cation. A seaside hotel in Miami. It was a surreal experience looking down at the ocean we once lived on and went to doctors appointments to by dinghy. Now comfy in a hotel with my family jumping on the bed. A massage booked. A warm bath being set. I was in a total state of wonderland. While I appreciate all these things from the man I love and who I will stand by till the end. To me, simply having my family together here in my arms is what makes my heart happy! Thankful for a thoughtful hairy husband and a super baby who absolutely loves life…. staying in a hotel 😉 . This mothers day and every day I am so grateful to have these two guys in my life.
As I sit here and write this as my baby sleeps I am so excited for him to wake up so we can go play outside. Discovering this world together he is my greatest joy. My greatest strength. This special day I get to celebrate being a mother along with the rest of the tribe, but it is also a day I reflect on to appreciate the journey. While many others are going through the storm trying to understand, trying to process or even trying to except. Dont let what other people say to you effect you. Dont give up. Being a mother doesn’t mean you have to bear children. Being a mother means you are willing to give apart of you for something greater. A living soul that needs your light to live. This day and every day let the light shine within you first, then spread the light as far as you can.
With love, anything is possible.